Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
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for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
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Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.