I hate all girls vehemently.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.