"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need to calm my uterus...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked