this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
