my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
