someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
