I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
