If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
be right there i have to get my cape
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
