im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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