at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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