I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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