not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
