I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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