There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
