If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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