Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
