News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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