Four minutes until I can fart!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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