her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
