He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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