if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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