I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
