matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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