Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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