All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
