A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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