I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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