my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
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I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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