If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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