i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
