you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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