I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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