I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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