upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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