you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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