my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
