I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
