I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently you make a good broom.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
