All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
