Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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