Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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