Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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