Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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