I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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