it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
