opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.