his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
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I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
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if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing