His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.