there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
