She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
