They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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