I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
