I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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