I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
