I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
what day is it and did you see me today?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
