just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
