I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
