Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
